Wow it's a recipe! Take a back seat, savory and umami teeth, it's the sweet tooth's turn for a treat, my famous Fruit Bat Cookies, brought to you by DC's new film, The Batman, rated PG-13 for strong violent and disturbing content, drug content, strong language, and partial nudity. In theaters now!*
*the movie, not the cookies : (
To start, grab some dried pineapple and mango. Make sure to get cooking dried mango, not snacking dried mango, the yummy strips that look like somebody peeled apart a delicious orange tennis shoe! I've never baked that type of mango, but I have baked a tennis shoe, so just make sure you've got the right one just in case, okay?
Now grab a knife, like a criminal might have in The Batman, and chop up your tasty dried fruit into little bits, like a criminal might want to do to the Batman in The Batman.
Perfect!
Once you've got a heaping 1/3rds cup of dried pineapple and mango, set it aside and check to see how well the butter I should've told you to set over the oven preheating to 375 degrees fahrenheit, or 5/9ths of that celsius, give or take 18 degrees.
Looks like it's melting pretty good, maybe too good? Should it have melted that much? Is the oven okay? I hope your oven's okay!
Now you'll need a teaspoon of baking soda, 1 and half cups of flour, and 1 cup of buckwheat flour. Buckwheat flour is like tougher, meaner flour that makes pancakes need 3 times as much syrup to eat. It's exactly the kind of flour the Batman would have his butler, the Alfred, use in the kitchen of his house, the Wayne Manor.
Now you'll need the most important ingredients, a teaspoon of vanilla and a chicken egg. Crack the chicken egg and stir in the vanilla in a way that breaks that yoke to make it a uniform brownish yellow glop.
Now we're going to make it even fruiter! Put one packet each of strawberry and tropical punch fruit drink powder into your flour mix.
I recommend using unexpired fruit drink mix from brands that have existed this century, but if there's no expiration date printed, it must be good forever! That's just the law.
Now mix everything you've made so far together in a bowl real good and dump it out onto a flat surface to begin to turn it into cookies, because it's dough now.
The flat surface will be a big help as you try to flatten out your dough, trust me!
Now grab a bat-shaped cookie cutter. These aren't so easy to find outside of holidays such as Hallowe'en and Christmas that heavily feature bat imagery, but I imagine they should be easier to find right now while everyone is excited for The Batman in theaters!
Hopefully your bat cookie cutter isn't one of those terrible thin plastic 70's ones with the back side covered where you have to try to peel the dough back out and it doesn't work! If it is, you'll just have to do your best!
My best is okayish! Once all the dough is in little bat-shapes, bake them for about 10 minutes in that oven you had preheating. Keep an eye on them, I'm a little worried about that oven.
When they're done they should look a little like this and be just as delicious! Make sure to let them cool for a few minutes before you put them in your gullet and to go see The Batman, starring Robert Pattinson and Zoë Kravitz, only in theaters!
Labels: delicious recipes
As a former Chicagoan, it always bugged me that a big city like Chicago never had its own special food. If St. Louis can have its own kind of Pizza and Philadelphia can have its own kind of beef sandwich, why doesn't Chicago have its own food that people know it by? Well I have great news for you, especially all my old neighbours in The Hog Butcher For The World, Chicago!
I have made a recipe for a special "Chicago-Style Hot Dog" that will become a symbol of the unique culture of what was once known as the Windy City before I moved away (because I took with me my butt farts.)
But enough about all that, let's get "cookin'!"
All you need to start is a used-up jar of the peanut butter. You can simply wait until you have used up the peanut butter over time, or you can just take a new jar and eat all of the peanut butter in it real quick before you start cooking.
Now dice up some green peppers and onions. If Philadelphia and Denver have given us absolutely anything of worth, it is the lesson that your city's signature food needs to have diced onions and green peppers in it.
Bunch them up so they can fit easily into a jar.
Specifically this jar!
NOT THIS ONE!
But do take some garlic out of that one and put it in there with that "city mix."
Tear up some ham with your bare hands now. Pretend
you are the hog butcher for the world. It'll sit in the jar with the marinade.
If it seems a little dry for a marinade, that's just because we haven't added the Frost Glacier Freeze Flavor Gatorade yet. Brrr, it gets cold in those Chicago Winters until the Earth passes that certain point where the ice caps melt and Chicago becomes a tropical swamp with big buildings in it.
Pour it in until it's full of delicious marinade for marinating.
It should be about the same amount, if you got a peanut butter jar that's roughly the same volume as a gatorade bottle.
Now give it a good old "Chicago Shakedown."
Now it should look shook up like this. (check for bubbles)
After about three or four days of having that in the fridge, it's time to prep a pan with some olive oil. I used some imported from the Mount of Olives.
But you can use olive oil from anywhere on earth, or any other planet that has olive groves, if you are a person in a specific future featuring outer space olives.
Once you've got your pan oiled up, you're ready to pour that delicious marinated ham (and its marinade) into the pan to cook up.
I included a lot of photos of the pouring because it looked so good.
Now put in one quarter tablespoon (or three quarter teaspoons) of mustard powder. The mustard represents the unique smells the city can produce, just like you might read about in a heartwarming Chicago tale about immigration: "It was an elemental odor, raw and crude; it was rich, almost rancid, sensual, and strong" (Sinclair, 28).
Make sure that pan is cranked up, because we want to boil that marinade all down.
Do it to a "rolling" boil.
Now put the egg in there.
Now it's an "eggrolling" boil! Ha ha! Ha!
When it starts to look like this, you can come back to the kitchen (stay away while it's boiling in case you are weak to electrolyte poisoning).
Now it's time for the most important part, the hot-type dog. You can use any kind of hot dog, this is multicultural Chicago we're talking about!
Let me show you the proper way to microwave a hot dog. Any other kind of way is just so dumb. Start by poking the hot dog with a fork. Always poke stuff with a fork before you put in the microwave so the tiny waves can get in there. Then put in little paper towel bed.
Now tuck in your little wiener buddy. Good night I love you I'm sorry I jabbed you with a fork!
After you finish reading it a story, fold the rest of the paper towel neatly around your beautiful, beloved hot dog boy-or-girl-child.
Put in on a plate, you're not a culinary caveman.
Be sure to follow your microwave manufacturers' safety instructions when harnessing your microwave's power.
Good morning, my sweet handsome hot dog!
Now take some white bread to build it all on. This bread will represent the sewer system that was placed above the ground and had new roads laid over it in an astonishing feat of public sanitation.
Lay down that hot dog road that you love.
Now that you've got that hot dog at nice diagonal, it's time to drop the amazing flavors of the city on all that.
It's pretty much perfect, and now it's ready for the finishing touch.
Put a lovely dab of spray-style whip cream on top represent how Chicago's towering buildings look from the ground as if they might "scrape the clouds" (hence: "cloudscrapers!")
Isn't it fun to think about where words come from? Almost as much fun as it is to eat delicious, symbolic foods that represent beloved geographical and cultural locations! Get your mitts on that bread and chow down Chicago Style!
WORKS CITED
Sinclair, Upton. The Jungle. New York: Doubleday, Page, & Company, 1906
Labels: Chicago, chicago style, chicago style hot dog, delicious recipes, hot dog
