Gug's House

If you follow me on twitter (see diagram), you may have noticed how I often talk about or at least reference commercials. Or maybe you didn't, because there aren't many context clues. It's twitter, okay? I don't have enough characters to not pretend you always know what I'm talking about. (Just this week, I think I've assumed things like "you know what the movie 'I'm Still Here' is," "you know what products are endorsed by the voice of Tim Allen," and "you have any idea what Weekly Shonen Jump is.")

I realize you might be a member of the twenty-first century and watch TV on your own schedule where you can skip commercials, or maybe an extra-nice pirate has edited them all out. Maybe you watch regular TV, but you use the commercial breaks to

exercise or -more believably— get more snacks. Sorry, but I don't care about what you do, because I am busy watching the commercials. And often responding to them. Out loud. By myself.

Usually what I'm saying is not positive. I get that they can't all be as clever and well done as Virgin Mobile's stalker ads, or even as overrated as the original Macintosh one, but I can tell some of you aren't trying. (Some of you are McDonald's or most beer companies, and let's make it clear that I understand that you don't need really need to do anything other than remind everyone that you exist. Let's also make it clear that I was specifically talking about you when I said "some of you aren't trying." Then let's all look at Doritos, who are in the same boat as you, in terms of business security, but are still trying and sometimes succeeding in their advertising at doing something more worthwhile than just putting their logo on the screen for thirty seconds. Finally, let's end this parenthetical, which has gone on way too long. I'm honestly not sure why I even put this paragraph in parentheses anymore.)

Lately, I've noticed that a lot of advertisers seem to have their heads in the right place but their feet have ended up somewhere that makes me not want to associate with the brand they're representing. So I've put together this ramblingly-introduced list of some tricks you might be trying that are not as helpful as they may have originally seemed.

2. Even if the sitcom you are advertising has a laugh track, (that's not your fault!) you don't need to add a laugh track to your sitcom advertisement. Especially if it is footage filmed only for the commercial.

3. There is a very thin line between tribute and copycatting. I doubt anyone who has seen the show "Oh Mikey!" before rushed to buy pajama pants at the nearest Old Navy after one of their talking mannequin ads. I felt like Taco Bell's shrimp taco ads with the Beaver Boys-like behavior was a tribute, but it seems the majority doesn't agree with me. (This paragraph might have revealed a little too much about my psyche.)

4. Going back to Old Navy, if you are one of the people who made the most recent commercials they've been rolling out, don't kill yourself. It might seem right, but it won't guarantee that the commercials will improve in the future. Killing yourself is never the solution to a problem, unless maybe you are in a SAW movie (sometimes, I pretend I know anything about what I'm referring to). Plus, you haven't performed any of the enormous compensation you owe society yet.

(If you make a commercial now that's just your logo for thirty seconds, I'd appreciated it if you at least took care of my student loan payments for a month.)