Alright! Welcome to the recipe for my chili-contest-losing chili, Cuban Chili! It's called Cuban Chili because it uses cumin and my nose was stuffed up (before I ate it!) I think that even though it lost the contest, you will enjoy it! First, take an onion and chop it up!
When you chop an onion, you will start to cry. Science can't explain it, it just happens. No matter who you are or what you do, an onion will make you cry if you chop it up. In fact, if instead of giving a speech, at the next opportunity Mitt Romney just went up in front of everyone and chopped an onion, he would secure republican nomination within five minutes.
You want one cup of onion for your chili, but make it look like a cup of diet onion soda that got all fizzy as you poured it and the foam overflowed on one side.
Next, chop up some deli slices of rotisserie-style turkey! I definitely used more than one, but maybe less than four? (Sorry that the informative information and aesthetically-pleasing photos are not as exact, frequent, or aesthetically pleasing this time. I was kind of in a rush because I had jury duty the day of the cook-off [also known as "jury hurry"])
Next, chop up some (six to ten?) deli slices of roast beef! (Sorry this picture is kind of "jury blurry")
Well look, it's our old friend, the scotch bonnet pepper!
Like all old friends, let's chop him up into tiny pieces with a knife!
Next, chop up two (2) jalapeño peppers, preferably one red and one green (or any other set of complementary colors, orange & blue, yellow & purple, etc.)
Then, grab a heaping tablespoon of craisins, the wrinkly, dried-up raisins of the cranberry world!
Chop those up really small, just like everything else that's crossed your knife so far.
Now take a head of cauliflower. My cousin told me that cauliflower is broccoli that's dipped in something white, but she was like, six at the time and I wasn't so easily fooled!
Look, it's all the things you chopped up! Great job! I can't guarantee it, but I'm pretty sure Ted Allen is very proud of you!
Now put all those things into a pan with some margarine or butter on mediumish heat.
Here's the titular ingredient, cumin! I have no idea how much I really put in, but it seemed like a lot. (When you're writing a recipe and you don't know how much you used, you just say to add it "to taste!")
Now add some ground red pepper and garlic powder (to taste!)
After everything's been stirred up for an amount of time (to taste), squeeze some lime juice on it (to taste) and put it in a sealed container overnight in the refrigerator (to taste).
The next morning, get out your crock pot and your can opener and dump 28 ounces of crushed tomatoes with basil inside the one you didn't use to open the can. (This is not an invitation to try to open your can with your crock pot and then sue me or whatever. Also, while we're at it, don't chop up your friends with a knife.)
Then, add seven and a half ounces of chilpotle peppers in adobo sauce into that! I recommend cutting them up first, because it was hard to cut them up once they were in the crock pot covered in crushed tomato goop. After that, you can dump in all the stuff you chopped up the night before!
Now, I'm not a crock pot expert, so I decided to be safe and heat up my eggs before I added them to the mix in the crockpot.
My egg mentor taught me to always put some hot sauce in the eggs before you scramble them.
He did not teach me to put caramel syrup in them, but that's what's going on in
this picture!
Get scramblin' you big dummy! You don't want those eggs to burn before you put them in the crock pot with your other stuff!
Now add some garlic salt. Notice I'm doing this "to taste."
Also add some chili powder to taste. (BONUS TIP: If this recipe seems like it takes too long for your busy schedule as a single working dad, you can always just heat up a pot of water and then add chili powder until it looks like chili!)
Then, add one pediatric dose of red Kool-Aid drink mix powder. I think that's two teaspoons, but just to be safe, add it to taste.
It should look like this before you stir it. Then set the crock pot to warm for the next 9 hours and cover it up with that crock pot lid.
After seven or eight hours, someone should call you in the jury waiting-room to tell you that this particular crock pot is a little on the hot side and your chili has basically boiled down to a thin layer of chili grime. When you get home, put a few more cans of tomato and tomato paste into a pot, heat them up, and stir in the half-inch of delicious, concentrated chili. Stir it for about fifteen minutes (or however long it takes you to calm down from your stressful day of standby jury duty) and then put that mix back into the crock pot to serve! It will be good, and people will tell you so, although they preferred someone else's!
Labels: a sentence with the word chili in it three times, delicious recipes, Mitt Romney references that will become more and more dated, Ted Allen
# posted by Gug Lurge @ 6:19 PM
